The Grand Competition
by Phoenixofdarkness62
Summary: Jake comes over and some events ensue that becomes one of the Cullen's oddest competitions ever.


"Ugh, does the dog have to come here nearly everyday?" Rosalie asked holding her nose. Nessie looked at her with big eyes.

"Aunt Rose, you don't like Uncle Jake?" she asked with them same big eyes. Rose looked at her then sweeped her up into a hug.

"Never mind." She said putting Nessie down as she raced to be with the Werewolf. The wolf picked her up and Nessie sniffed the air.

"Someone farted!" she announced. Jake scolded her for announcing something like that. Edward and the rest then came in to greet Jacob only to crinkle their noses and cover their mouths.

"Ew, Jacob that's just gross." Alice said diving for the familiar scent of Jasper. Edward then rose forward.

"I know it's natural for you to do that, but please next time do it outside. Dog..." He said with a harsh undertone. Jacob growled.

"Can it vamp, at least my farts smell like meat, and not like shit like your 's do." He stated with darkened eyes. Edward looked at him with a smirk.

"My farts probably smell a hundred times better then yours do." He said. Jake got in his face.

"Wanna bet on it?" he asked. Edward in turn, got equally as close to Jake in his face. "Why not." He said. Jake smiled a friendly smile towards everyone else.

"Everyone…."

* * *

Four hours later with both the Cullen group and both wolf packs the grand fart off began.

"Mommy why are Daddy and Uncle Jake eating eggs and meat? I want some too." Nessie asked to Bella. She wasn't about to tell her daughter the reason was because they both needed food that would make them fart and meat and eggs was the best way to produce them. Bella smiled thinly at her curious daughter.

"They have a… competition between them. They're seeing who can eat the most." Bella said.

"But Uncle Emmett said…"

"Forget what Uncle Emmett said. Just watch Daddy and Jacob okay?" Bella said to her daughter lightly. Nessie nodded, and went back to watching.

"Ew, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life!" Rose said as she walked away from Jake who had just finished his round of farting for everyone.

"And the general smell Jake's farts smell like is?" Bella asked.

"His farts smell like meat." Leah said decisively for both groups with nods in agreement.

"The good or the bad kind of meat?" Bella asked. Leah rolled her eyes and walked away disgusted. Seth took up Leah's roll.

"The good expensive kind of meat that's cooked with spices." Seth said. Bella nodded and wrote it down before her husband began.

* * *

"Wow." "Yeah I know." And several other remarks chorused after Edward's bout. The Wolves minus Leah, and the vampires minus Emmett and Jasper were all laughing amongst themselves about it. The girls were also talking with darting eyes to Edward and then to Bella and Nessie.

"What's up?" Bella asked Jake who sat with Nessie. One of the rules was that the contestants couldn't take a whiff of each other's farts since it was a competition.

"I haven't the slightest." Jake replied.

"Alright what do Edward's farts smell like?" Bella asked. Not believing she was actually asking this in front of her daughter. No one spoke up. The guys kept laughing, and the girls kept whispering.

"Everyone? Come on we need to keep going!" she encouraged.

"No matter how stupid this is..." She muttered under her breath.

"His…" Emmett started, "They smell like…" And then he couldn't finish because he was laughing so hard and the rest of the guys burst out in laughter as well.

"They smell like…" Alice began for them. She stopped lost in thought of how to say it. She turned back to the girls for support and more discussion.

"COME ON I NEED AN ANSWER NOW!" Bella screamed at them after ten more minutes of discussion and laughs causing nearly everyone except Nessie to jump.

"Umm," Paul started. Quil prodded him as a signal to carry on. "Yeah, his…"

"His farts smell like roses." Rose muttered.

"What was that?" Bella asked not quite believing what she heard from under Rose's breath. Jake cracked a mile wide grin.

"THAT IS RICH!" he said running down to talk with his buddies who started laughing all over again. Jake made gestures to confirm it, and started laughing all over again when the guys told him.

"It's true Bella! Edward Cullen's farts smell like girly roses!" he announced. Nessie looked up at him in wonder.

"If Daddy's farts smell like roses then what do yours smell like?" she asked ever curious. Jake told her and she giggled.

"I'd rather smell your farts then Daddy's." she said as Jake pecked her on the cheek.

"I win Cullen! My farts smell better then yours!" he announced. Edward bared his fangs.

"We haven't voted yet, wolf." He growled lowly. So they then began the voting process, which overall everyone would rather smell Jake's farts then Edward's. (Only because there were more guys then girls of course.)

"I still win Cullen!" Jake announced proudly. Edward was at a loss for what to say to that.

"The ladies would rather smell my farts then yours!" he defended himself. They continued to squabble, and everyone got bored. Bella landed her hand in her hand and took Nessie home with everyone else following.

"Is the game on?"

"You bet it is."

"Leah, I can try something with your hair?"

"Sure."

The 'fight' ended three hours later with Edward saying, "AT LEAST MY FARTS SMELL LIKE ROSES!"

* * *

**Author's note**: One thing before I get a ton of crap like I'm expecting. I'M NOT A TWILIGHT HATER. I read it before it was 'popular' when it actually had a meaning to reading it. Now just any idiot can go rent Twilight and sees New Moon in theatres and claims it to be all powerful and mightly. And then if I say one tiny thing againest it and all the sudden IM being bitched at for not reading it. I have read it. Mulitple times. I still kinda like it. Just because you can't read that this a parody, isn't my fault. This is a joke, one that true fans will read and think it might be funny.


End file.
